Values Conflict
Andreas Dorn 
Values are, what drives and motivates people. And when two values clash, we might get stuck and not move at all. Read this post to get crucial insight
VALUES CONFLICT
I like sitting in a Mamak, eating in peace, talking to friends, or just watching some videos with my headphones on. Simple. Familiar. Steady.
Last week, during breakfast with my participants, a middle-aged man sat down next to us and started watching videos on his phone.
Not loud.
But loud enough.
And there it was again ... that small internal jolt.
Not anger. Not outrage.
Just the moment when my values bump into someone else’s behaviour.
❓Questions in my mind:
How can he do this? We are here, close to him, having fun, talking, while he place his video loud enough to infringe our space.
👉 But here is what is really going on.
For me, it’s respect for space. For him, it was probably comfort, habit, or simply I’m minding my own business.
It’s the same pattern you see in cinemas when someone answers messages mid-movie.
Or on a flight when someone watches a series without headphones.
No villain. No victim.
Just different values colliding in a shared environment expressing themselves in contrasting or conflicting behaviours.
This is where people often get stuck.
Not because the situation is dramatic, because, it rarely is.
✅ But because the mind doesn’t know which value to honour first:
Stay calm or speak up?
Maintain harmony or protect your boundary?
Ignore it or act on it?
👉 That hesitation is a values conflict.
Two important things inside you pull in different directions at the same time.
When people feel stuck in their career or relationships, it’s often the same pattern, just bigger and harder to name.
They tell themselves they lack confidence or clarity, when in reality two values are competing for priority.
And when values clash, even clear goals wobble.
The moment you recognise the conflict, you stop taking the discomfort personally.
It stops being “Why is this bothering me?” and becomes
👉 “Which value is asking for attention here?”
The man in the Mamak didn’t ruin my morning - even so I don’t appreciate that behaviour.
✅ He gave me a reminder:
Most friction between people has nothing to do with personality. It’s values trying to find order.
And once you understand the pattern, the choices become easier, cleaner, and far less emotional.
How did I act? I ignored him. Blended out noise created by him. Allowed him to enjoy his own sweet time. And focused on my time and my relation with my students.
Will I always act that way? No, but it is about the choice made in the moment.
How would you have handled such situation?